Quote from Brené Brown in Daring Greatly: “The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.” Found on page 42.
Image by Mary Blacklock. Photo taken by Mary on a hike in the Sandia Mountains in Albuquerque, NM.
Read: Dare to Gain Clarity through Vulnerability | Read Daring Greatly.
When it comes to change, we know that it will eventually happen. However, that doesn’t mean that we are willing to change or find change easy. Sometimes change is downright challenging. Why is that? Change can activate a fight or flight response. When we are in the midst of change we can feel more stressed and when we are stressed we are more likely to enter into fight or flight behaviors. We need to learn how to shift focus in the midst of change.
There are many jokes on the subject of how difficult it is for people to change. There’s the classic joke that asks how many people it takes to change a light bulb. The answer is always a loud and hesitant, “Change?!”
I’m amused at this joke mostly because I heard it first as a Protestant. It went like this, “How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?”
When I converted to Eastern Orthodoxy I heard the same joke. “How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Change?!”
Perhaps we aren’t as different as we think.
Two weekends ago I was able to attend a retreat for young professionals of the Orthodox Christian faith. Among opportunities to learn and grow in faith and community there was a social event on a yacht in the Boston Harbor.
We all braved the Massachusetts chill to cruise around the harbor, eat great food, and dance. I think it’s safe to say that we all enjoyed this opportunity and that it was a great way to bring the retreat to an end.
Dancing on a boat that occasionally turns is where I see the analogy.
If one really focused on dancing, they might not notice the boat turning. However, in my experience, there were times I would suddenly become aware that my feet were moving to the beat of the music, but my body leaned another direction to the pull of the boat. It is that pull of the boat as it turns that I am referring to.
As the boat slowly turned in the water, I quickly discovered that if I leaned into the turn of the boat with a spin of my own, it was not only easier on the mind but more fun.
Why was it easier on the mind? It took my mind off the slow and somewhat wobbly turn we were experiencing.
Isn’t leaning into the turn what we need to do sometimes when life brings about change? Instead, we tend to focus on how wobbly everything is around us or how unstable or how slow things seem. To shift our focus in the midst of change, perhaps we need to look for a way to spin and lean into the change.
I can’t say that I know what leaning into the change looks like in every situation, or that I’m particularly good at it.
However, if I can begin to learn how to shift my focus from what is slow and wobbly in the midst of change to ways I might lean into the change, I would consider that progress.
Are you with me?
For those that are looking for ways to change attitudes, gain clarity, and make the changes to our behaviors that build a better us.
Posts on Attitude:
Attitude Will Make or Break You
Posts on Behavior:
How do you know good help from bad help?
Posts on Clarity:
How taking the first step clears the way for clarity
Posts on Faith:
When learning about behavior we often think about things such as learning why we do things the way we do or how we can take what we learn about behavior and apply behavior change strategies. However, there is another aspect that sometimes gets left out. Faith. Does faith have a place in personal development? Can it help us know good help from bad help?
What I have done to keep faith a part of my learning about behavior is to look for connections.
When I find practices and studies on behavior that are grounded in science, I look to see that the practices and results hold up against my own life experiences or the experiences of those around me. Yet, these are not the only connections that I seek. I make connections between what I learn in the science to what I learn in my faith.
There are a lot of resources out there for people that want to change their behavior. If you start the journey to improve yourself you will find that there are many people out there with reasons and practices to improve yourself. How do you know good help from bad help?
Being intentional about what we believe was the topic of last week’s article. It discussed how different people or groups can influence our thinking and behaviors, often without our even realizing it. In today’s article I suggest that we also need to be intentional about incorporating our faith into our personal development plan.
Faith is one of those important things to remember when we learn about behavior and start to apply it to our lives.
Faith is important because it provides you with a lens for looking at the theories for understanding behavior and applying what you learn. Without that lens you might follow theories or practices that might be harmful rather than helpful. Or, even if it’s not harmful, it still might not provide you with the full or complete picture of the behavior or practices that you are trying to change or improve.
Have you been looking for connections with your faith as you navigate the personal development world? Are there self-help or personal development practices that you question since they don’t line up with your faith?
(Share them in the comments section of this post. Perhaps I can write a future post addressing these things.)
Behavior Challenge: Reflect on how you currently incorporate your faith into your self-help and personal development strategies and goals. Are you happy where you are or do you want to grow in that area?
Other articles you might enjoy:
Success often requires behavior change, but that isn’t always easy. Changing the way we think can impact how we behave. However, we might continue our behaviors even when we start thinking differently, because it’s become a habit. To get to our destination, better habits, we need to understand how habits are formed.
In my journey of setting goals and focusing on the changes I need to make in my thinking, I’ve learned that good habits will help achieve goals and bad habits will derail a goal. If we want to succeed where we haven’t yet succeeded we probably need to make some changes to our behaviors.
In one of my earlier articles, I wrote about why behavior change is important for personal growth. In that article I highlighted 2 aspects of behavior change: 1) All the change shouldn’t happen at once and 2) give yourself time to understand the why.
As we take a look at how habits are formed, let’s keep the above aspects of behavior change in mind.
Building better habits starts small. I didn’t suddenly load half of my plate with vegetables. First, I started reading a book that explained food in a way that I understood. Then, I started adding a few more fruits and vegetables to my plate. The change took time and it was easier when I understood why it was so important and started small.
Yet, sometimes the habits we need to break are intimidating. Perhaps we haven’t yet figured out what is driving the bad habit. How can we change it?
If we can learn how to change the habits that hold us back, we can begin to move forward.
For this article I share resources on how habits are formed. The resources include a couple posts from leadership mentor Michael Hyatt and a short video by the author of The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg.
Let’s dive in.
How does a bad habit become a bad habit?
It needs a trigger.
A trigger is what kicks off the behavior so to speak. When we encounter the trigger we do the habit.
Ex: When I see Carla, I look down and walk past her. The trigger is seeing Carla. The bad habit is looking down as I walk past Carla. Why I look down is the reward that I get from looking down when I see Carla. We’ll get to that in a minute. The reward is the third section of what is called the habit loop.
There is a book on my reading list called The Power of Habit. While I haven’t read it yet, I have heard about the 3 sections of what is called a habit loop. The habit loop starts with a cue, is followed by a routine, and ends with a reward. The habits we have are based on cues from something in our environment. The cue causes the routine of practicing the habit when we encounter the cue. The reward we get from our engaging in the habit is what keeps us in the habit loop.
There is a great video that explains the habit loop and process of habit formation. It’s easy to follow and it goes into how you can figure out what your reward is for a behavior that has become a habit. It’s a short video from the author of The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg. Watch How to break habits (from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg).
Michael Hyatt has also shared a written version of the process of breaking bad habits if you’d prefer to read it (or check out both for more emphasis). Actually, there is a pretty funny video that is linked to Michael Hyatt’s article if you need some comic relief on the subject of behavior change.
To review, a habit is formed by the repeated routine of engaging in a particular behavior. The behavior starts by a cue. Something in our environment, such as the time of day, location, actions, and emotions, triggers a behavior. We do the behavior when we are cued. It becomes a habit. We keep it up because we are being rewarded in some way for our behavior. Maybe it’s socialization, maybe it’s a need to move around the office, or perhaps we get a certain feeling from the behavior-if I don’t talk in the meeting I can’t get my ideas shot down. If I look down when I walk by Carla, she doesn’t stop me in the hallway to talk.
Looking down isn’t bad in and of itself. However, Carla now thinks I’m mad at her or uninterested in her company.
Why am I looking down? Let’s see if we can figure out the reward.
Just like in the How to break habits (from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg) video, the way to figure out why you are engaging in the habit is to find the reward.
I look down when I see Carla in the hall. There must be a need that looking down fills. That would be the reward that I get from looking down. Consider it from various angles.
Perhaps my schedule and Carla’s schedule only ever intersect right after I’ve had a tough department meeting.
What might I need following a tough meeting? Theory 1) Quiet time and space to process the meeting. If it’s this theory, perhaps I could stay in the meeting room for 5 minutes after everyone leaves and take time to review notes that I took or write down ideas. Theory 2) The meeting reminded me how much I need to do and I need boundaries on how long I will talk in the hallway before excusing myself. If it’s this theory I can allow myself to talk to Carla for a couple minutes and then politely excuse myself.
Writing it out like this is a great exercise in figuring out the different steps in the habit loop and what possible rewards would be.
From a behavior analytic view, we are going to continue to do a behavior as long as that behavior is reinforced. The key to breaking the habit is to figure out what is reinforcing that behavior. Is it really avoiding a person like it might seem on the outside, or is a deeper need, like the need for reflection time or a need to respect your time? To change the behavior is to create a better habit.
I’ve compiled some resources for those that are interested in reading more on building better habits.
The Easiest Way to Overcome Bad Habits by Michael Hyatt – The easiest way might not focus on quitting the bad habit, but on what you can do to build a good habit.
How to Form a New Habit (in 8 Easy Steps) from developgoodhabits.com – Steps 3, 5, and 7 are especially important. Step 3 – Tie your new habit to an already established habit. Step 5 – Create a plan for when you hit a road block. Step 7 – This step is titled Reward Important Milestones, but it’s really about celebration. If we call it celebration it separates it from the section of the habit loop that is called Reward. Celebrating progress even when it’s small is important for forming good habits.
How to form a New Habit (in 5 Easy Steps) published on Inc. – Step 3 is very important. They call it resisting temptation. Make it easier to do the new habit rather than the old habit.
In Conclusion, habit formation is summed up by the habit loop. Habits are triggered by something-that’s the cue. Habits become habits when we repeat the behavior. It becomes a routine. Finally, there is a reward that is received from the continuing of the habit.
To change the habit, get to the reward. Find out what you are getting out of your behavior.
To makes changes you might be more successful building a new healthy habit rather than tacking the bad habit directly. Pair your starting of a new habit with a habit that you already have and are strong in.
Create a plan for how you will go about changing your behavior, but also for what you will do when you encounter something difficult that would normally result in going back to the bad habit. In that plan, create ways to make the new habit easier than the one you are trying to replace. Lastly, remember to celebrate the steps you make to build better habits.
Have you read The Power of Habit? Are there key points from the book that you found helpful in understanding habit formation? Do you recommend any other books on habit formation?
Behavior Challenge: Practice looking at a bad habit through the lens of trying to find what reward that behavior might be providing. You can choose one of your own habits or start by imagining a bad habit and its possible rewards.
One behavior change at a time.
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